Routines of Peace 2/4: Unlearning performance based self care

True longevity is converting performance fixation into a reliable connection

Lets hit it!

So we talked about how and why our pain & stress management strategies may or may not be working in our favour. The next question is - if they aren’t working or they aren’t good for our overall health - what do we do about that?

We invest in healthy ways to support ourselves, right?
Absolutely. But —

First we address why a lot of self care strategies can turn into BS for people.

I’ve identified something almost universal that people (including myself) don’t like about themselves. Something they may even hate about themselves. We rail against this thing. We wish it wasn’t so. We pretend it isn’t so. And even in our pop-psych, #selfcare climate - we often only ever pay it lip service.

When I studied performance coaching at the Polyvagal Institute, this thing was one of the many points of interest that came up when working through case studies on professional athletes -

It’s your ‘Window of Tolerance,’ or as I like to refer to it— your bandwidth.

Bandwidth is your resiliency, the inside of your outer limits, it’s how far you can push before you stop bouncing back and start chipping away at yourself. Bandwidth is mental, emotional, physical, intertwined & bone frikkin’ deep.

A lot of us start out without any conscious attention on our bandwidth, or how it is affected by our stress/pain levels or health status. We’re just going for it out here, folks. We may get some really bad news, make zero adjustments to accommodate the emotional and mental impact, and still be surprised by how distracted we were at work all week. We may annihilate ourselves in our workouts even though our sleep hygiene sucks and wonder why we aren’t jacked as hell. Maybe we have a huge argument with our partner, and still expect ourselves to show up to a bunch of social gatherings just as bright eyed and ready to engage as usual. And before you freak out - it’s not that we shouldn’t aim to expand our bandwidth, or give up on performance altogether (we can’t all move to a monastery in Nepal) -

It’s that we should be starting that expansion from where we currently are - not our fantasy of where we would like to be, or where we think someone we know who’s really cool is starting from.

This is where the resentment may come in about our current bandwidth. It holds us back from being the best! Our bandwidth is a stupid baby! It makes us look weak or embarrassing next to other people! No one else seems so tired or in crisis! Why can’t I go for the things I want, too?!

What we’ve missed because it’s inconvenient - is that without respect for ourselves as we currently are, we will start chipping away at the resiliency we need to build in order to stretch for our next ‘thing’. If we want to give away this tendency to only care for ourselves so we can squeeze every last drop of performance out, we will have to learn to respect our own bandwidth, and attend to it dynamically and individually.

So many of us are conditioned not to care about ourselves. We might even consider it selfish or ‘woo woo’. We see our bodies as a barrier, needlessly obstructing us. We see our emotions as a weakness to be crushed, rather than a messenger - not to be repressed or indulged - but conversed with. We see years of exhaustion as a symbol that we are getting it right (as the on-paper version of us agrees & outside spectators applaud).

We now see our mental & emotional pain as automatic pathology, without reviewing whether the level of expectation lumped on us from every angle, and our own individual development and support system have ever matched up.

We are shocked and disappointed by ourselves when we start to slip behind - we should should should be able to…

But if I fixate on fixing myself, that's self care - right?

Can we really expand our bandwidth, if we have a singular agenda to improve our production? Is it really ‘self care’ if the desired outcome is to fix that ‘thing’ about ourselves, or just show other people that our shit is together?

Put another way - how is your relationship going with that friend who is clearly using you, instead of investing in a real connection with you? Do you enjoy showing up for them? (Oh, that asshole…no. See what I’m getting at?!)

If insecurity is cueing you to consistently compare your bandwidth to what you perceive other people’s to be, and you find yourself constantly falling short, it tends to trigger cycles like—

• desperation that results in unrealistic levels of action that can’t be sustained

• freeze/paralysis/defensive apathy (like the self awareness trap) that results in inaction or collapse

• a ping-pong effect between both extremes (ask me how I know)

These cycles are reactivity that disconnect you. Reactivity is the symptom of a system outside its bandwidth for too long.

Let’s say healing is to experience the opposite of what originally hurt you. Then, healing performance fixation (& any resentment for our current resilience levels) will occur through building a non-reactive approach to self care, based in self respect, instead of self deprecation and scarcity. This puts us back in reach of the full span of our potential, flexibility, and longevity.

We make it dynamic, individual, and we balance our approach with accountability and self compassion. We don’t freeze, or fixate, we live.

Next up -

The practical guide for implementing the non-reactive approach:
Routines of Peace: Building your non-arbitrary bandwidth toolkit

&

If you’re just gasping for more during intermission - you can always try the exercise in this vintage but very much related post.


See you there!

- Jasmine