Routines of Peace: Losing to gain (4/4)
If you’ve been fighting against feelings of exhaustion, falling behind, numbness, overwhelm, reactivity or stuckness - what I write here in part four will tell you something you likely already know, somewhere in yourself.
Finding balance with yourself will require you to give up that fight.
And that doesn’t mean to sink into those feelings, to be lost to them, to never return from there.
To give up that fight means to stop clinging to the ‘shoulda woulda couldas’ of your life, the expectations, about how you should feel powerful, could feel peaceful, would feel happy if you were just able to muscle through enough, to force enough, to adapt enough, to be like someone else, somewhere else - enough.
What you think of as your ego (a set of defensive strategies) will have to take a back seat to the routine of connection - which is to see yourself, hear yourself, be with yourself in the place you currently are. Not a year ago, not five years from now - currently, in your bandwidth right here and now. Eeek! Nooo! Really?!
Yes, there is a disappointment to this. A set of daily choices (probably with a fair bit of cringe). A change of pace. Maybe a relief. And a balance to be struck as you keep moving ahead against the backdrop of your life - a society with a profit obsession and consciousness deficit - and build from that connected place time and time again.
I stalled and procrastinated on this final part of Routines of Peace for weeks, because I couldn’t get past my resistance to the truth that I wanted to include here.
I just assumed, anyone who read it would say “yes cool way to make yourself feel better about laziness” because this is how slowing down to tune in is often viewed. And maybe someone will think that, and I’ll make my peace with that, because it’s the exact same thing I would have thought too, once upon a time.
For those of us who don’t feel they are ‘keeping up’, our conditioning inherently produces shame, and the lack of bandwidth that results from that shame produces further shame as we grapple for our place at the table. What a fantastic cycle! That conditioning (which includes our earliest experiences with receiving support, love, acceptance) demands that the systems we live with should work for us, and if it doesn’t then that is a personal failure.
Non-consensual expectations mount. They co-mingle with your real desires for safety, creation, intimacy, self-actualization—until you don’t know one from the other. You were never given the time, space, or emotional processing skills to hear and see yourself over the noise. Can you understand the importance of seeing this conditioning clearly, and working connect to what’s beneath it?
Diving into the middle of this can be painful. It can be frightening, and a tough part of ourselves to ultimately befriend (that prickly son o’ a B). But when we start to see this part of ourselves- the one that uses shame and fear to keep us moving- as an underdeveloped, younger part that has scraped by with a very limited skill set, we can shift our perspective - that big bad wolf persona starts to slip. We start to see the scared kid who’s clutching on, or the anxious teen who’s just defending themselves, or the adult who is still trying to find a better way.
In Routines of Peace I’ve laid it out for you, in the simplest, briefest introductory way I can at this time in my life - the philosophy I’ve developed over the years about how to stop living trapped in the grip of what you think you have to do to be loved, seen, fulfilled in this lifetime.
You’ll have to put down the shame, and become your own ride-or-die if you want to really live.
This was hard for me (Best Understatement of 2025), because while I’ve spent many years, months, days, and pre & post life ‘meltdowns’ reflecting, developing community, studying the things I talk about, taking courses, and researching to deeply understand and then implement what is on paper in real practical ways (over just floating it around as a cute theory or hashtag) - I still feel like an imposter in my own wisdom somedays.
Like a delusional hippy girl, talking crazy (or worse, stupid) ideas. I still feel the parts of me that are oh-so well trained in keeping me safe - by keeping me small & quiet about my own knowledge - kicking the door down when I go out in the world to share what I’ve learned on this journey of self acceptance.
I’ve had to re-orient myself 100 (or just 10, if it’ll make me sound cooler) times, just in writing for Substack. That it’s worth doing because it could help one person. Because I’ve had too many conversations with people who know me & my heart - telling me to put this all out there. Because my curiosity and passion for this still burns after more than a decade. Because building something will help me to learn & grow, and because I want to reduce the suffering I see. I’ve incrementally learned hwta might be plain to others - that by showing up and committing to seemingly small things I build self trust, autonomy, and creative insight. I came by some of this knowledge by book learnin’, but mostly I came by it through pain, loss, and metabolizing regret - those are damn good bricks for building (IYKYK).
My internal leader, speaking from the inner citadel, says “that’s beaut, babe!”. And my conditioning screams “You in danger girl, I have to shoot you down!”.
When you’ve been ‘under the thumb’ of something that feels so bad for so long, you forget you’re part of the puzzle. You didn’t necessarily choose it, but you can affect it. Your impact sometimes feels so small it seems pointless—an ant pushing a boulder uphill.
But who we are ripples through our communities and time. It becomes history and legacy.
Think of how one bad boss ruined your days and Sunday nights. How you have collapsed under the weight of other peoples opinions, or your own negative self view and missed an opportunity. How someone’s emotions driving their actions can alter their lives and the lives of others - forever.
I hope it’s clear by now (after four dang parts in this series!), that this isn’t “be a good person” fluff. I want to speak to You— and that seed of hope you hold. It’s not that the larger world doesn’t matter—it’s that tragedy and cycles of harm start in our internal worlds.
Hurt people, hurt people. They numb, distract, avoid, and waste their heartbreak instead of evolving through it. We’ve all done this. And every day we wake to that choice.
This is our ripple. How we show up to our “ordinary” life colours everything. The way we turn toward ourselves sets our bandwidth—less reactivity, more empathy, creativity, intelligence, contribution.
In Practice…
Manage your conditioning, build your bandwidth:
Set goals and timelines from a calm & connected place. Not from reactivity to stress, overwhelm, or feelings of shame or inadequacy
Don’t try to repress your shame or FOMO. Acknowledge it. Speak to it aloud, write about it, release it from inside your cycling, busy brain.
Validate what your conditioning is trying to do - protect you from pain, like separation, rejection, shame etc. Try to find genuine understanding and appreciation for it’s intention (protecting you) even if it’s method is misled and counterproductive.
Observe emotion and draw information from it. See it as a well practiced reaction, designed for your information and protection. It’s not who you are as a person.
Reconnect to your most foundational values when you are distressed, before goals & timelines (why am I doing this vs. how). Choose to trust in them when you can’t see through your emotions in the moment.
Reconnect to the goals & timelines you created from a calm & connected place.
The belief that your self-relationship matters will slip. It slips when you’re exhausted, when your best doesn’t work out, when you fall back into self-deprecation or use shame as motivation. It slips when your bandwidth is consumed by work, parenting, grief, health issues, the reactivity of others, or the collective tragedies of the world. You will doubt, try something else, or turn away—because it’s hard. That’s human.
But self connection isn’t superfluous or selfish. It’s the seed, the deep breath, the map back to compassion, community and freedom.
Up next….
Waking up to yourself, and staying awake, even when it’s uncomfortable, opens opportunities and personal power otherwise unavailable. I’ve spent large parts of my life afraid to speak. Outwardly confident, but lacking the inner confidence of knowing I could lead myself to growth with compassion. I’ve been learning what good leadership provides, from the inside out.
I’ve also spent a decade in Operations—managing, coordinating, and working with leaders in industries like manufacturing, health, construction, and tech. Some experiences were amazing, others painful, but each brought me greater clarity and understanding about my relationship to work and value.
Systems of Survival (my next series) will unpack the disconnects I see in work and leadership, how our bandwidth and self relationship dictates our career path—and how we can take the reins even when they feel out of reach.
See you there!
- Jasmine
